I hope.

2008 was the best and worst year of my life. When I moved back in January I was happier than I've ever been. And now at the very end I'm a miserable train wreck. My hope for 2009 is that I can find, in some nook or cranny, solace and redefine some measure of happiness in my life. I want to never make these mistakes again. I want to wipe this shitty-ass year from my memory entirely. I want to pull some serious phoenix shit. I don't know how it's going to happen, but it's what I hope for myself for this new year.

By the way, I feel like I should say -- I love you so much. I'm not entirely sure I'll ever be able to love someone the same way I loved you. I would have died in an instant without second thought for you. When I think of you my whole heart swells and I swear to God it will burst. I'm scared out of my fucking mind of the day when you start to fade and I can't remember your face anymore. Please don't go away entirely, I swear I'll do anything if you just stay in my heart a little bit so I can breathe. I hate you for doing this to me but I promise I'll love you forever.

That was the hardest thing I've ever written.