The last time I posted I was planning on resuming a narrative on my continued life here in the U.S. Then I stepped on my laptop and crushed the screen and lost ambition entirely.
I moved back to Minnesota because the love of my life had dreams of living in the U.S. and I had the connection and life here to offer them. On Christmas, just a few days ago, they left me. I was unaware entirely of the damage of which a broken heart is capable. It's completely paralyzing, completely debilitating. I feel empty and desperate and 100% woe-betide. Actually, I don't even think I'm an adept enough writer to adequately describe the feeling without quoting Shakespeare or some other such cliche. It might even be something one would have to experience to even approach the vicinity of understanding. I've been told plenty of times since that it's going to hurt like hell but that it'll eventually go away, but at the moment I seriously doubt that. It hurts so badly; I barely even have the ambition to care about living any longer because a life without them seems like a life at only 50%. I'm still waking up, I'm still going to work, I'm still breathing, but I'm feeling like if I can't share it all with the person who has my heart in their pocket then there's nothing special about doing it.
God, I wish there was just one word I could type that would explain everything. I hope like hell I can get over it because if my stomach doesn't untwist soon it's going to kill me.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
So much longer.
It's been a long time. I recently decided that it might be a good idea for me to continue blogging. I thought to leave this blog as just a testament to my time spent in Mexico, but as it turns out I'm still somewhat separated from reality, so I suppose it still applies.
It's been about six months since I came back. A little more. A whole lot has happened, but at the same time nothing has happened. Honestly it's kind of a blur of time. To tell the truth I don't plan on going into any of it at the moment. The point of this post is basically to reestablish this blog and jump-start my ambition to begin writing in it again.
I'll divulge next post.
It's been about six months since I came back. A little more. A whole lot has happened, but at the same time nothing has happened. Honestly it's kind of a blur of time. To tell the truth I don't plan on going into any of it at the moment. The point of this post is basically to reestablish this blog and jump-start my ambition to begin writing in it again.
I'll divulge next post.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Where the stars are
This is it. It's Sunday, 5:00 in the afternoon. I need to finish getting my things together, and at about 7:00 I'm going to stay with the person I'm bringing with me to Minnesota so we can get up early to catch the bus to El Paso at 5:00 in the morning. I took a bus to pick up some my mother sent me to get some food for the travel tomorrow, which was nice because it was another opportunity to take in the place that's become my home. I know I'm going to be coming back for vacation eventually, but it's still really tough. Almost inexplicable because it's such a strange mixture of bitter and sweet. I always find it hard not to be sad when a chapter ends, in mostly a nostalgic way. I guess I expected to be here forever. I didn't see this next transition coming.
I need to say a few things, give thanks in writing to some people and things that changed my life.
Thank you to...
The family that brought me here. May karma give you what you deserve for turning out to be such assholes, but it doesn't change the fact that without you I wouldn't have had this incredible opportunity. May karma also give you what you deserve for that.
Barin. I communicated with him mostly online because he was living in a city right outside of mine, but we hung out several times as well. He was the absolute first friend I made here. He's from Detroit, so English is his first language, but he's Mexican and thus speaks Spanish as well and moved here about six years ago with his mother. He understood everything I was dealing with at the beginning, and never failed to be there for me when I needed him for anything. I could complain and bitch and moan about whatever was on my mind and he always managed to make me feel better. My God, Barin, thank you so much for being my friend when I really, really needed one.
Israel, who took me out on the town for the first time ever. To this bar that's high up on a tall building where you can see the city and the air is fresh. He spoke English like you wouldn't believe, and helped me with some faults in my Spanish. He moved away shortly after, but not before making a meaningful impression in my life. He told me, "If you ever need a friend for anything, I'm going to be here for you." Thank you for that.
Orlando who can can make you laugh just by laughing. He's the person I mentioned in yesterday's post who left for Sweden this morning. He took me out too and made me feel comfortable. He'd check on me every so often to see how I was and to see if I needed anything. People like him are one in a million.
Raul, who went out of his way on dozens of occasions to hang out with me. There were times here when I was so incredibly lonely, and he would swoop me up and take me out with his friends and make me feel completely comfortable and accepted. He's the most optimistic person I've ever met, who truly believes in the most convincing, non-corny way that love is seriously the cure-all for everything dark in the world. He always struck me with his hammer of optimism every time I wanted to be cynical. Thank you for keeping my chin up.
The guy behind the mini mercardo behind my house in Cafetales. He would actually order cigarettes just for me, even though I was the only one of his customers who bought them. He kept them behind the counter with bags of these corn tortilla chips that I liked to have them ready when I came in. That little bit of comfort and hospitality meant a lot.
My taco guy, who left far too soon. He worked in this little stand right across the street from the school I worked at. It took him two of my visits to know exactly what I wanted to order. I would sit down, he'd shake my hand and ask me about my day, open up a can of Diet Coke for me and make my shrimp tacos. He was so friendly that I think I went back for the tacos time and again just because of him. He disappeared one day and the stand was shut down and covered in graffiti, but I refuse to ever forget that little bit of kindness he showed me.
The girl with the lip ring at the OXXO by my house in Cafetales. It seemed like she was ALWAYS working. Lord she was friendly, always smiling. I like jalepenos on my nachos, which I tended to get in the morning after my morning class on the way home, and if I came in and there were none left, she'd whip out a bunch of jalepenos and slice them up for me and talk to me about her day. Small? Perhaps, but I can't help but feel utterly grateful for every tiny bit of comfort I've been afforded here.
The woman who works behind the desk at the restaurant in Plaza Del Sol. I went there one day because I was desperate for cigarettes. It's a mall, and the person who dropped me off just said I could buy them from a store on the left. Well, little did I know that the 'store' was tucked into the corner of a department store in the form of a restaurant. I was terribly stressed by the time I found it after having tried to ask for directions a million times with my ridiculously poor Spanish. I couldn't really explain to her exactly what I wanted, but she helped by using her hands. She was so nice, and when she gave me my change, I tried to give her a look with as much gratefulness as I could possibly muster up. When she said thank you, I saw so much compassion and understanding in her eyes and smile that I thought I was going to cry.
The people at the OXXO by my house here in San Felipe. The older woman with the gentle smile, the little guy with the goatee who loves to talk to me about his favorite things about the U.S., the kid with the strange green eyes who jumped for joy every time I walked in because he had an opportunity to practice his English, and the mentally handicapped guy who bagged the items with gusto like you've never seen, so happy to do it.
The people at Lingua Franca. I walked in one day with a resume and Gilberto hired me on the spot. I met Sylvia, the principal, the next day and she opened all of her doors to me. One day, when all of the shit was going down about the family from whom I was renting a house, I unloaded on Gilberto and he comforted and advised me. The next day Sylvia called me into her office and showed me a newspaper she'd bought, in which she'd circled dozens of different places to live. That week she drove me around the city to look at places and talk to landlords for me. She got me into the place I'm living in now, 15 minutes walk from my work and with everything I need. Alma, the administration lady, who always looks tired for some reason but who has the sweetest smile in the world, drove me to get my internet initiated and paid for. Martha, the woman at the desk who doesn't speak a lick of English but is so beautifully patient with my Spanish, found me a technician to hook it up. These people came together for me, a near stranger, and showed me kindness like you could hardly imagine. They took such amazing care of me. I think their help was probably the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, if anything because of how little they knew me. I really hope one day I can pay them back somehow, because 'thank you' won't ever be enough.
My students. All of you. It was an honest-to-God pleasure teaching you. The rewards I was given by watching you learn what I taught you is absolutely immeasurable. Whatever it is you want English for, whether it be your job, obligation or hobby, I hope you get everything you want from it. I hope as well that in every aspect of your lives you are 100% happy. I'm so lucky to have met all of you.
My mother, who helped me when I was on the outs both financially and emotionally. I'd get the occasional IM up on my computer screen from her, just asking me how I was and telling me about how things were going in Minnesota. She supported my decision to leave and gave me every ounce of help she could. She's also accepted the person I love, reaching out to do everything possible to open her doors to us. No one has a mother like mine, I know it.
And finally, to the person who fell in love with me and made me love them in return. It is so unbelievably priceless what you've done for me. I am so, so happy to have met you. You've managed singlehandedly to save my life completely in every single way. I could gush on forever about how much I owe you and how much I love you, but suffice it to say that there's nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy in return. Thank you, thank you.
Wrapping it up, I also need to thank Mexico. I'm not sure who or what to thank. The ground? The mountains? The air? Thank you Mexico, for everything. The Dalai Lama recently noted that while televisions and newspapers are stock full of horrifying news of destruction and hate, the overwhelming majority of the human race is good and peaceful. There will be horrible things no matter where you go, but more than anything there will be people who will come into your life and show you amazing things. Thank you Mexico for showing me so many of those people. Thank you for Spanish, this beautiful language. Thank you for your incredible culture that oozes from every pore of your ground, from every building and from every person. Thank you for showing me more stars than I've ever seen in my life.
I think this whole deal might seem a little sappy, but I don't feel sappy at all. I feel grateful. These five months have changed everything and given me so much. A complete life changing experience. I'm going to leave and continue my life elsewhere, but I can never forget this. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!! For the rest of my life I'll have the memory of having lived in the country where the stars are.
I need to say a few things, give thanks in writing to some people and things that changed my life.
Thank you to...
The family that brought me here. May karma give you what you deserve for turning out to be such assholes, but it doesn't change the fact that without you I wouldn't have had this incredible opportunity. May karma also give you what you deserve for that.
Barin. I communicated with him mostly online because he was living in a city right outside of mine, but we hung out several times as well. He was the absolute first friend I made here. He's from Detroit, so English is his first language, but he's Mexican and thus speaks Spanish as well and moved here about six years ago with his mother. He understood everything I was dealing with at the beginning, and never failed to be there for me when I needed him for anything. I could complain and bitch and moan about whatever was on my mind and he always managed to make me feel better. My God, Barin, thank you so much for being my friend when I really, really needed one.
Israel, who took me out on the town for the first time ever. To this bar that's high up on a tall building where you can see the city and the air is fresh. He spoke English like you wouldn't believe, and helped me with some faults in my Spanish. He moved away shortly after, but not before making a meaningful impression in my life. He told me, "If you ever need a friend for anything, I'm going to be here for you." Thank you for that.
Orlando who can can make you laugh just by laughing. He's the person I mentioned in yesterday's post who left for Sweden this morning. He took me out too and made me feel comfortable. He'd check on me every so often to see how I was and to see if I needed anything. People like him are one in a million.
Raul, who went out of his way on dozens of occasions to hang out with me. There were times here when I was so incredibly lonely, and he would swoop me up and take me out with his friends and make me feel completely comfortable and accepted. He's the most optimistic person I've ever met, who truly believes in the most convincing, non-corny way that love is seriously the cure-all for everything dark in the world. He always struck me with his hammer of optimism every time I wanted to be cynical. Thank you for keeping my chin up.
The guy behind the mini mercardo behind my house in Cafetales. He would actually order cigarettes just for me, even though I was the only one of his customers who bought them. He kept them behind the counter with bags of these corn tortilla chips that I liked to have them ready when I came in. That little bit of comfort and hospitality meant a lot.
My taco guy, who left far too soon. He worked in this little stand right across the street from the school I worked at. It took him two of my visits to know exactly what I wanted to order. I would sit down, he'd shake my hand and ask me about my day, open up a can of Diet Coke for me and make my shrimp tacos. He was so friendly that I think I went back for the tacos time and again just because of him. He disappeared one day and the stand was shut down and covered in graffiti, but I refuse to ever forget that little bit of kindness he showed me.
The girl with the lip ring at the OXXO by my house in Cafetales. It seemed like she was ALWAYS working. Lord she was friendly, always smiling. I like jalepenos on my nachos, which I tended to get in the morning after my morning class on the way home, and if I came in and there were none left, she'd whip out a bunch of jalepenos and slice them up for me and talk to me about her day. Small? Perhaps, but I can't help but feel utterly grateful for every tiny bit of comfort I've been afforded here.
The woman who works behind the desk at the restaurant in Plaza Del Sol. I went there one day because I was desperate for cigarettes. It's a mall, and the person who dropped me off just said I could buy them from a store on the left. Well, little did I know that the 'store' was tucked into the corner of a department store in the form of a restaurant. I was terribly stressed by the time I found it after having tried to ask for directions a million times with my ridiculously poor Spanish. I couldn't really explain to her exactly what I wanted, but she helped by using her hands. She was so nice, and when she gave me my change, I tried to give her a look with as much gratefulness as I could possibly muster up. When she said thank you, I saw so much compassion and understanding in her eyes and smile that I thought I was going to cry.
The people at the OXXO by my house here in San Felipe. The older woman with the gentle smile, the little guy with the goatee who loves to talk to me about his favorite things about the U.S., the kid with the strange green eyes who jumped for joy every time I walked in because he had an opportunity to practice his English, and the mentally handicapped guy who bagged the items with gusto like you've never seen, so happy to do it.
The people at Lingua Franca. I walked in one day with a resume and Gilberto hired me on the spot. I met Sylvia, the principal, the next day and she opened all of her doors to me. One day, when all of the shit was going down about the family from whom I was renting a house, I unloaded on Gilberto and he comforted and advised me. The next day Sylvia called me into her office and showed me a newspaper she'd bought, in which she'd circled dozens of different places to live. That week she drove me around the city to look at places and talk to landlords for me. She got me into the place I'm living in now, 15 minutes walk from my work and with everything I need. Alma, the administration lady, who always looks tired for some reason but who has the sweetest smile in the world, drove me to get my internet initiated and paid for. Martha, the woman at the desk who doesn't speak a lick of English but is so beautifully patient with my Spanish, found me a technician to hook it up. These people came together for me, a near stranger, and showed me kindness like you could hardly imagine. They took such amazing care of me. I think their help was probably the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, if anything because of how little they knew me. I really hope one day I can pay them back somehow, because 'thank you' won't ever be enough.
My students. All of you. It was an honest-to-God pleasure teaching you. The rewards I was given by watching you learn what I taught you is absolutely immeasurable. Whatever it is you want English for, whether it be your job, obligation or hobby, I hope you get everything you want from it. I hope as well that in every aspect of your lives you are 100% happy. I'm so lucky to have met all of you.
My mother, who helped me when I was on the outs both financially and emotionally. I'd get the occasional IM up on my computer screen from her, just asking me how I was and telling me about how things were going in Minnesota. She supported my decision to leave and gave me every ounce of help she could. She's also accepted the person I love, reaching out to do everything possible to open her doors to us. No one has a mother like mine, I know it.
And finally, to the person who fell in love with me and made me love them in return. It is so unbelievably priceless what you've done for me. I am so, so happy to have met you. You've managed singlehandedly to save my life completely in every single way. I could gush on forever about how much I owe you and how much I love you, but suffice it to say that there's nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy in return. Thank you, thank you.
Wrapping it up, I also need to thank Mexico. I'm not sure who or what to thank. The ground? The mountains? The air? Thank you Mexico, for everything. The Dalai Lama recently noted that while televisions and newspapers are stock full of horrifying news of destruction and hate, the overwhelming majority of the human race is good and peaceful. There will be horrible things no matter where you go, but more than anything there will be people who will come into your life and show you amazing things. Thank you Mexico for showing me so many of those people. Thank you for Spanish, this beautiful language. Thank you for your incredible culture that oozes from every pore of your ground, from every building and from every person. Thank you for showing me more stars than I've ever seen in my life.
I think this whole deal might seem a little sappy, but I don't feel sappy at all. I feel grateful. These five months have changed everything and given me so much. A complete life changing experience. I'm going to leave and continue my life elsewhere, but I can never forget this. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!! For the rest of my life I'll have the memory of having lived in the country where the stars are.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Racing closer
I spent last night in a bar with another friend I have here, one of the first friends I made. He speaks English amazingly well, so his support here when I was trapped under the weight of Spanish meant a great deal to me. He's leaving tomorrow in the morning for Sweden to work, and I'm leaving the following morning, so we got together to have some drinks and say our goodbyes. When he dropped me off at my house, I was sad, but most of all I was grateful. I realized that this person made an appearance in my life almost as brief as the blink of an eye, but he left his signature in my guest book and I can always make a trip down memory lane to remind myself how good it was to meet him. Mostly I look at him as an example of how once in a while someone will just show up in your life and show you how to get around those big boulders in the road. Then they'll go their separate way but you're lucky enough to never forget.
This afternoon I took a walk around the neighborhood. It's a nice neighborhood for that, with nice houses and clean streets, but more importantly I wanted to tread the ground, breathe the air, listen to people converse in Spanish. The end is racing towards me so fast, I feel like there's nowhere near enough time to soak in everything before I go.
I realized today that my Spanish isn't so horrendous. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's pretty damned bad in the larger picture, but I can handle it. My friend called me and we talked for just a minute or two. When I hung up the phone, it struck me in an odd way that I had just had that conversation in Spanish, and yet I comprehended everything. Later in the afternoon I went to the convenience store to get some nachos and the guy who works there talked to me for a while about how my winter break was and about his plans to move to the U.S. to work. Again as I left I realized with more conviction that I speak Spanish. Five months and I speak another language. One that, four months ago, made me want to jump off a bridge. Japanese and German took me eleven and eight years, and Japanese is about a million times easier than Spanish. Again I'd like to reiterate that my Spanish really sucks, but having it comfortably tucked into my belt makes me feel a whole lot better.
The evening concluded at a bar downtown with my best friend here. Good music, amazing beer ( Lord am I going to miss Indio. The greatest beer ever brewed ), some regulars at this particular bar I had the opportunity to bid farewell, and a chance to take in the city at night for the last time. The utter foreign veil draped over the country does well enough to make it magical for me, but the truth is that the city isn't really all that impressive during the day. It's something you have to see at night.
Oh my God I'm going to miss it here so much.
This afternoon I took a walk around the neighborhood. It's a nice neighborhood for that, with nice houses and clean streets, but more importantly I wanted to tread the ground, breathe the air, listen to people converse in Spanish. The end is racing towards me so fast, I feel like there's nowhere near enough time to soak in everything before I go.
I realized today that my Spanish isn't so horrendous. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's pretty damned bad in the larger picture, but I can handle it. My friend called me and we talked for just a minute or two. When I hung up the phone, it struck me in an odd way that I had just had that conversation in Spanish, and yet I comprehended everything. Later in the afternoon I went to the convenience store to get some nachos and the guy who works there talked to me for a while about how my winter break was and about his plans to move to the U.S. to work. Again as I left I realized with more conviction that I speak Spanish. Five months and I speak another language. One that, four months ago, made me want to jump off a bridge. Japanese and German took me eleven and eight years, and Japanese is about a million times easier than Spanish. Again I'd like to reiterate that my Spanish really sucks, but having it comfortably tucked into my belt makes me feel a whole lot better.
The evening concluded at a bar downtown with my best friend here. Good music, amazing beer ( Lord am I going to miss Indio. The greatest beer ever brewed ), some regulars at this particular bar I had the opportunity to bid farewell, and a chance to take in the city at night for the last time. The utter foreign veil draped over the country does well enough to make it magical for me, but the truth is that the city isn't really all that impressive during the day. It's something you have to see at night.
Oh my God I'm going to miss it here so much.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The beginning of the end
I went from writing between 1 - 3 posts a week to falling off of the face of the Blogosphere entirely. The truth is, I met someone about four months ago. I avoided divulging details because typically I'm somewhat cynical in that area, but now the curtains are open. Essentially, things intensified gradually to the point where I completely lost interest in writing. They also intensified to the point where I'm moving to live with this person back in Minnesota.
When I really stop the world from spinning for a moment and think about it, I have no clue how I ended up here. I don't mean here as in Mexico, I mean here as in my situation. Call me sappy, but failure upon failure in the factory of love had eventually convinced me that it was a glorified concept designed for the silver screen. That relationships and marriage were nothing more than an escape from solitude into comforting companionship. Then I met them. And they fell in love with me. And I swear I avoided it for as long as possible before I accepted it.
Sometimes I find it tough to identify positive qualities in myself ( and I say that in the least emo manner possible ), but suddenly, out of nowhere and in the most unlikely of ways, someone came along who loves me so strongly that I find it impossible to believe that I'm not worth it. And there aren't words in any language I know that could adequately describe how much that means to me. I feel like I owe them so much, and I know I can provide a life for them in the U.S. that would be out of my reach here in Mexico. Really, giving up the life I'm living in this beautiful country is the absolute smallest sacrifice I could make, and it will bring me nowhere near compensation for what I've been given.
There's a feeling, close to euphoria but closer to contentedness, sitting deep in my stomach that makes it easy to brush off the small stuff. This person can touch my arm for just a moment and I swear that if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't regret a thing because I know that this is happiness in its most illustrious form and I've been gifted enough to experience it.
The truth is that my gut twists just a little when I think about leaving Mexico. I love it here for about a million different reasons. I spent the afternoon with my best friend here in Mexico running errands with him, just to spend time around the city. There were moments when I thought my heart would break as slivers of realization set in, ones that told me that this is it. Five months isn't very long, but just the air alone, or the mountain-lined horizon, was enough to steal my heart. I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing, making another change in my life for someone I love, but saying goodbye to this other world is going to be difficult.
When I really stop the world from spinning for a moment and think about it, I have no clue how I ended up here. I don't mean here as in Mexico, I mean here as in my situation. Call me sappy, but failure upon failure in the factory of love had eventually convinced me that it was a glorified concept designed for the silver screen. That relationships and marriage were nothing more than an escape from solitude into comforting companionship. Then I met them. And they fell in love with me. And I swear I avoided it for as long as possible before I accepted it.
Sometimes I find it tough to identify positive qualities in myself ( and I say that in the least emo manner possible ), but suddenly, out of nowhere and in the most unlikely of ways, someone came along who loves me so strongly that I find it impossible to believe that I'm not worth it. And there aren't words in any language I know that could adequately describe how much that means to me. I feel like I owe them so much, and I know I can provide a life for them in the U.S. that would be out of my reach here in Mexico. Really, giving up the life I'm living in this beautiful country is the absolute smallest sacrifice I could make, and it will bring me nowhere near compensation for what I've been given.
There's a feeling, close to euphoria but closer to contentedness, sitting deep in my stomach that makes it easy to brush off the small stuff. This person can touch my arm for just a moment and I swear that if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't regret a thing because I know that this is happiness in its most illustrious form and I've been gifted enough to experience it.
The truth is that my gut twists just a little when I think about leaving Mexico. I love it here for about a million different reasons. I spent the afternoon with my best friend here in Mexico running errands with him, just to spend time around the city. There were moments when I thought my heart would break as slivers of realization set in, ones that told me that this is it. Five months isn't very long, but just the air alone, or the mountain-lined horizon, was enough to steal my heart. I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing, making another change in my life for someone I love, but saying goodbye to this other world is going to be difficult.
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